It ain't easy being indian

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My

dog Mitzi almost peed herself, she is so happy that her guy won the presidency. She put her vote in for "Bark" Obama and feels really

good about herself and the nation’s choice. Now she is saving up some bones for when the new first family moves into the White House. The Mitz wants to go reverently whuff the First Puppy’s butt. Perhaps when Mitzi is properly vetted and cleared by the Secret Service we will do so. Heck I’m so happy about the election I may just sniff me some presidential puppy butt myself.

Hey! They have ass wipes for dogs now, too! What a wonderful country we live in, and I say that with all sincerity. Otherwise, why are all these foreigners still trying to get in, starting with those anal-retentive back-stabbing pilgrims? Hah? Hah?

To

this day, there are people who still think it’s alright to let kids

dress up in pilgrim and Indian costumes to ‘celebrate’ Thanksgiving.

Sheez. I will be thankful when all that is over, and the historical

truth comes out. Until then, well, it’s still a paid day off and you

get to chow down without censure, casually start a new family feud,

watch football and boogit freely.

This

past month, on a Saturday night, I was mooned repeatedly. I so wish it

happened all the time! THE Chippendale Male Dance Revue came to our new

Porcupine Pond Event Center and showed pridner’ 700 women

what real men look like. We ultra-deprived rural womenz literally

salivated over some hot, sweet firm young bods and buns that are not

spotted, hairy or sagging. The Chippendales!…OMG! They renewed my

faith in the Creator; that they were made purely for our female lusty,

optical, hormonal pleasure. Oh yeah! Mmmmm!

If

you ever get the chance, do by all means, go! GO! Me, I didn’t even get

the opportunity to tuck all the dollars I brought. The Chippendale

dancers barely made it to our table cuz their scanty draw’z were

already stuffed with so much cash that one guy looked like he had a

dollar diaper on. Yes, the women of Rezberry, Blueberry and beyond all

showed up – they shuffled, they wheelchaired (and cartwheeled) and

gimped – all for the rare sight of rare men. I can’t tell anymore of

what happened there for danger of retri. What happens in the Porcupine Pond stays in the pond.

I

am feeling quite jaded. Just two days before the Chippendales show The

RBC (Reservation Business Committee) of Rezberry thought that we

Rezberrians might be in need of a good laugh, and so they hired

Williams and Ree: a.k.a. the Indian and the White guy. You know! The

only comedians who are almost as good as Charley Hill. But to

continue…they did a fantastic job and I will never get tired of them. They is us. We is them. Yanno?

So

much has happened in politics. I am extremely touched by the global

communities enthusiastic and heartfelt reaction to our Prez-Elect

Obama. My throat still gets tight just thinking about it. My mom and I

watched the returns and speech together, one of my favorite parts was

when Obama said, "…and I WILL be your president", to those who did not vote for him. Now, that is a Man.

What

I don’t get is this: why can’t Gays get married? Sheez, I mean really!

They don’t even have to call it ‘marriage’, we can just name it

‘garriage’ and accord them the same rights as all the rest of the folks

who are deluded enough to do it. Who are they hurting? Not me I tell

ya. If two individuals, no matter their gender, want to commit to one

another, isn’t that what a couple in love does? Shoot, I’d marry me but

I have lousy credit. This year has been a tough year for me in a

lifetime of tough ones. Well, all I have is this quote from my nephew

Jerone, "Well…we made it this far". I just wanna thank you all for

taking the time to read this column, I send out a big ole heartfelt hug

to all of you. It’s like my Unk Gene always used to say, "It ain’t easy

being Indian, whether you shake or bake it".