It ain't easy being indian

Late last month it was my Mum'z birthday. Money has been an issue lately so I had to scheme to get the most bang for my buck. I cashed in my players card points at the Risky Raccoon Kasino for $10, then I took her out to eat at McDees $1 menu; we shared a small fries, a large soda, two $1 burgers and she got to eat a sundae all by herself. Semi-full and in the mood to shop I gave Omi a budget of $5 at the Dollar Store. My Mumz was giddy with joy.
Actually…no, I just made that story up. I was able to purchase roses, chocolate cheesecake, a boombox with a cassette player and cards from The Mitz and me that included "4 U-2 Bux!" which is our family tradition begun by my son Steve.

If you read my column last month it was a long rant and rage about still being unemployed when clearly I want to work. Well, you may be questioning how I got all the moolah to properly celebrate my Mum'z birthday. I got a check! Last month I labored daily, first in the Rezberry Reck Center where I met some new people – many of whom are under four feet tall and highly amusing. No, not dwarf comedians! Little Indian kids!
One day during after-school snack time someone brought up the subject of age. "I'm six! I'm seven! I'm 10!" Inwardly I rolled my eyes, I knew where this conversation was going. Sure enough, a wee girl asked me "How old are you?" Since that ain't no one's business but mine and Social Security I answered flippantly, "I'm 99!" With widened eyes a whisper made the rounds and one moppet asked me, "99?" It was a general consensus that I did not appear to be so elderly so I told the kids I look as well as I do now because I used to exercise and eat well. This quieted them even though I caught most of the kids looking at me askance. I thought that went over well until a little wise-cracker, with an eyebrow raised and chewing a P & B sandwich in her mouth said, "Shouldn't you be dead by now?" Burn! Ow Ow Ow!!! I had a really good laugh and agreed with her more than I could say. That marvelous little moppet does not know just how accurate her statement was. During this lifetime I have experienced a whole lotta close calls, perilous situations and prid'ner expired a few times, so indeed I do wonder how it is that I'm still alive? I'm not going to share any details right now, I'll save it for a future column.
The Rez Reck Center has very nice facilities which are not utilized as much as they could be, though the current director is changing that. One day while working upstairs in the weight room I stretched and did some reps I recalled from when I had a membership at the YWCA. I also cycled on the cross trainer thingy. After all that I was a bit wobbly; my knees had to begin coordination strategy talks all over again, but dang I felt good!
After that I asked the director to please put me in there at least once a day. I even made a call to a Rez health trainer to set up a time for a rep program. I left a VM: I said I'm fat, getting older, have limitations cuz I've had multiple surgeries and that I'm diabetic. As yet I have not received a reply; I think I must have intimidated him, or maybe I'm too far gone for any help. Nah. Ain't no one that far gone, us Indians just need to remember our ancestors led highly active lives AND the good health they enjoyed as a direct result.
I just have to get this in here too: the Pink Majority have discovered amazing new diets that don't involve pills, teas or puking! Yep, we can now all be healthy and lose major frybread by eating nuts, berries, fresh veggies and organic meats, beans, peppers and manoomin (wild rice). Gosh, am I glad someone figured that out! Those diets don't include our iconic frybread with extra grease, but yanno what, we can enjoy it now and then, just not every day, ennit. Moderation is the key. No, I don't practice much of that myself but I am going to, in moderation.
You can't convince a coyote to stop hunting yummy vermin to live, so why think one can change ones own fried, fat-begetting ingrained habits all at once?
Coyote will ever become a vegetarian, but I bet some might just be okay with an occasional crunchy, organic grass-fed grasshopper salad sprinkled with spicy mosquitoes: we still need protein right?
In no scenario will I ever be a wiry athlete (or a Kenyan) who runs 47 marathons a year and then just has to climb Mount Everest because it's there. No, if anyone remarks on my youthful appearance or my quick wit I'll quote me Mum'z rhetorical answer: I just lead a good clean life (in moderation of course).
An Indian has to start somewhere so why not begin with walking yer rezmutts.
P.S. Darla D, if Curtis wants me to give him a shout-out he has to email me.