The article headline read “Custer’s Last Flag” and now I am happily wondering what I’ll get for “Custer’s Last Drawers.” How I came to acquire them is an Area 51-type secret and his tighty-whiteys are safely stored away in an undisclosed location in Antarctica. The most important money value of Custer’s panties is that they have quite a big load of poops still in them! I speculate that his unplanned bowel movement must have occurred after he rode over the hill and saw all them Indians.
So… Now I’m trying to decide whether to put Georgie’s panties up for auction or list it on E-Bay. For sure some collector of Americana will put up millions to buy this one of a kind garment. If they are to be displayed, I would recommend an air-tight plexiglass container cuz even after all this time you can still catch a whiff of sheer, whimpering terror.
Now that brings me to another recent article about Queen Elizabeth’s knickers being put up for auction. The expected selling price is $9,000 for 40+ year-old underpants trimmed with lace and monogrammed with an E with a crown above it. Wow. Classy pants! I never had any thoughts about what Queen Elizabeth wears underneath her dresses, but now I am impressed. Does she wear them once and then toss ‘em? Does she do colors? Different styles like bikini-cut or thongs? Or are they all the same and who makes the bloomers? They must know that they are making them for the Queen, ennit?
Sheez. I must find better things to do with my time than hypothesize about Royal Knickers. But what? I got it! My friend Sophie showed me and Omi a beaded, decorated, feathery leather thong made just for Indian men to wear. It was really hot! I can totally see Moosie wearing one, but that’s another story. I am considering investing in the designer’s (who is an Indian woman) thong business and maybe opening a dance bar featuring Indian guys so we can objectify them. Purrrr!
Just kidding! Can you imagine the crushingly expensive insurance policy for all that frybread onstage? Ho-lay! Dudes would be slipping on their own grease and giving lap dances whether you bought one or not! Still, I see the scheme as a win-win because it would create jobs and I would benefit financially. I’ll name my establishment “Madame Wild’s.” Okay, enough with the scanties already, royal, historically smelly or ornamental!
Last month I mistakenly wrote something about 2012, when I know darn well it’s 2011. I think I did it because even more TV shows are about Dec. 21, 2012 – and the Mayan calendar ending, the Apocalypse, End of Days, blah blah. I’m not concerned about that so much as what if it does happen and the electricity goes out? That would suck. I like my comforts. And I refuse to be one of the frightened masses who builds bomb shelters and stocks up on Bibles, Spam, commods and batteries for flashlights. I am, however, afraid of Zombies. I’ll have to invent an anti-Zombie spray repellent. Phhhtt!
Do yooz remember “Y2K” when the planet’s computerized system was going to shut down and world chaos would ensue? I was still living in the Big City and was somewhat concerned. How will we function without technology? The Prince song, ‘1999’ was stuck on replay in my head and I actually wondered about humanity’s survival. Then I was cutting out food coupons and saw the date printed on them. They weren’t due to expire until March 2000. I was immensely relieved. What billion-dollar business would lay money out for advertising if the world was going to end? Think people, think!!!
I wish yooz a Happy New Year. There’s always something exciting about a new start, not so much to wrap up old stuff that is no longer good for one, but to move on and live in the present. And then make the present as fantastic as you want.
It ain’t easy being Indian all right, but every now and then we need to give ourselves a break. Really though. I plan to take off my elaborate Indian Princess regalia, put on some warm, stretchy pants and over-sized T-shirt, pick up a book and let my imagination roam the Universe. See you there.