By Ricey Wild
As I shared before, I watch too much news and their daily declarations of doom and distraction…um, destruction. It’s not my way to hide under the blanket and shiver and cry, my usual response in the past is to identify the problem and then go talk to my therapist about it. In the past my first reaction to events that I thought were negative was to lash out, and get out the gas to burn some bridges. Now, don’t go thinking I’m getting all soft; I’m not, so don’t try me. Not a threat, a promise.
So we are into another year of the pandemic and so much has changed including myself and the entire world. Thing is, I love living alone and have decided to not let anyone live with me again, except my cats and dogs. They are the only ones who are real with me, and a few people for whom I would live in a tiny house on their property just for human interaction and have them feed me, too.
Hmm. Sounds like I wanna to live in a glorified doghouse! LOL!!! Thing is, I already am and happy to be here. As my Unk said, the Rez is taking good care of us ‘ole Indins’ here in Rezberry and that is the truth. We were even gifted toilet paper, and to me that is the ultimate loving gesture. I musta been stuck on a pot sometime in my childhood past and desperate, so yeah, I was one of those people who stocked up on TP. Not too long ago my people used Sears catalogs in the outhouse, yanno? Ha!
In addition we Rezberrians were given cleaning supplies, even a bucket! I don’t know how they work so Ima have to leave it to the professionals to help me out. Actually, I am allergic to household chemicals and it shows. That wicked stuff sets off my asthma, so I use white vinegar and baking powder, but if that doesn’t work I go to the hard core stuff.
There are a lot of people who don’t help me anymore, like they are tired of my helplessness. To them I say, “I pray you don’t become like me in the disabled and depressive, anxiety-ridden place I am.” That said, I thank all of you for when you did help me.
What? A bit passive-aggressive you say? Naw, not in this case. Creator knew I needed some love and help and for that I am eternally grateful. Full stop.
Isolation is a very real thing for me even though I wrote I love being alone, but I don’t want to be THAT alone. Despite my cynical worldview I do know some amazing, talented and loving people whom I would never piss off. I just want them to like me and stick around with me to see what madness happens next.
I had an appointment in the bigger town 20 miles away and was out of my house for the first time in weeks, aside from going to the Indian clinic to get my second Moderna vaccine. I had to pick up my diabetic/comfy shoes and the ride there had a lot of huge semi-trucks barreling along like they owned the road. I became anxious at being out of my safe place, my home, and had to try and breathe through my mask while trying not to freak out.
My driver is skilled so I did not have any thoughts on him, but I did for all the people who were out there. It’s a Crazy Rat Race out there, and I’m glad I’m not a part of it, but I remember driving on the 494, 694, 35W and other crazy freeways. That I don’t miss and I clench my jaw just thinking of it.
People. I’ve been so isolated and off my legs for so long it was a really big deal for me to go out, but I did it and came home a frazzled wreck. I admit this here because I’m pretty sure I am not the only one who feels this way. So I talked to my therapist about it and he said my reactions were not unusual, having been shut-in for so long due to the pandemic and my shattered ankle.
We can only do what we can for ourselves until we get back to the ‘new normal’ – whatever that fresh hell is. Do what I do: take care of yourselves so you can retain your sanity while all the madness continues to threaten your security and way of life. Mine is music and…well, nonyobizness.
In the meantime I’ma chill and live my best life without as much negativity as I can shut out.
Love & Hugs to you all.