It Aint Easy Being Indian – June 2023

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By Ricey Wild

Well, your girl has gone done it again! I actually hesitated to share my latest miz-adventure with yooz but here I go. It was a very humbling, humiliating and horrible experience but too good not to write about. Oh the indignity!!!! Do I have your attention now?! Buckle up my Fabulous Fiends! Things get around here very fast, anyway so here is my story.

It was a Monday. Ya. I woke and felt ordinary, that is to say just miserable as usual. Chronic pain, yanno? I decided to take a nap after a while because being awake is exhausting. My cats came to keep me company and we snoozed together, all relaxed. Then I snapped awake with a-rumbling in my guts and hobbled to the bathroom. I made it in time, cleaned up and rose to stand and go about the rest of my day.

Then thump! I fell back onto the toilet! I attempted over and over to stand up but my legs were too weak and I was at a loss of what to do? So I sat there, and sat there. After a few hours I began to nod off so I decided if I fall I’ll try for the left side. I was hungry, not having eaten yet and thirsty, so I used my grabber to put the faucet on. There was a cup from an old bathroom set and I washed it out, barely managed to get water but I did it. When it got cold I yanked the curtain for warmth just to survive.

I did not have my cell phone or laptop to summon help; I had to wait until my guests got back and they didn’t show up until 8:30pm. I had been stuck there for over five hours by then and desperate for help. My mind went everywhere and I thought I would be the first person ever to have surgery to get the toilet seat off my hind end.

So 911 was called and they hauled me away in an ambulance and for the first time out of hundreds had to tell the cringey story of what happened. Now, the fact is my legs were not working and that is how I came to be stuck on the loo because I had had to poo. I literally could not walk! But no! I saw so many smirks in hospital from staff who said, “Oh! I heard about that!” I have to wonder what they nick-named me. Hah!

The hospital was good to me except for waking me at all hours and literally draining my blood, adding stuff into my IV, and the poking and prodding and immodesty of the ‘gown’. I do like the socks though and I got two new toothbrushes plus raided all I could take.

They kept me for four days and I got sprung after I successfully navigated the hospital hallways. I was happier than a toddler taking their first steps. Happy at home, I was greeted by the fuzz-butts and we had a great reunion. All I could think of was sleeping in my own bed. No one, I repeat no one while in hospital gets any rest at all.

My birthday was the next day and I expected nothing. Instead I got gifts, a beautiful bouquet and a cake!!! I was/am verklempt AND “Happy Purrday” was sung to me and ya, I cried. Imagine being in hospital all miserable and then all happy for the sweet well-wishes in less than 24 hours. Chii miigwech for making this birthday so special.

A few years ago there was a story of why some people gave up their dog. Seeing the dog humping another male dog was the reason; they thought it was ‘gay.’ I laughed about it but really wanted to punch them as if that would do any good. All dogs hump, it’s what they do. Dah!

What struck me was the fact that it applies to humans too – being all judgemental as if what one does in their own time and bedrooms is their business. The vile, homophobic haters think that the LGBTQ+ community are throw-aways like the poor pup for just being who they are. Plz excuse the dog analogy, some of my best friends are gay. (AY!)
LOL! I have had the blessing to have met and befriended many non-conformist people; all of them are my favorites. Robo-people are everywhere but when you find someone with an independent mind and style, keep them. They are rare and precious.

With that, I wish yooz all a fun, happy and safe Pride Month. I’m here for you and wishing I was there.

I miss my two-spirit friends badly. Some have passed on and I will never forget trying to match wits with them, always losing because I was laughing so hard. Miigwech for that.