By Ricey Wild

If I had been me, I would have thought that years ago I could expect some wilted, dead flowers and last year’s stale Valentine candy from a tubby Hubs by now, to prove his undying love for me. But nooo!!!!

Well, I’m still single and happy that I don’t have to chew any dudes’ moose-hide and then cook up the meat, even though I can chef it up, just gotta get a new wok, yo. I’ve had a lot of things stolen from me including my mind but who steals woks? That is just another puzzlement I can’t comprehend.

For sure I do not begrudge any of yooz solid hook-ups and I do wish you a very gratifying colonialist capitalistic holiday. I remember getting a dandelion bouquet from my cousin and it was sweet. Turns out I like butter. Anyhoo…

If I could or wanted to go outside, which I do not, the 15th is when the colonial candies are on sale, at least fifty percent off. Yum! I’m good though, I’ll get by. I still have Godiva from Christmas from my beautiful sister Debbie. I guard them from my dog Mitzi Rose who is a chocolate goblin.

One time The Mitz ate a few of my extra-special loaded chocolate treats. I realized they were missing, smelled her breath, and after that I laughed and laughed while she was nodding. Good times…Good times….Then we were both nodding and sharing stories we can’t remember now.

So back to the red, pink and sugar soaked colonist holiday that no worker gets time off for. Say, have any of yooz ever questioned why Valentine’s Day exists? I’m not against it but it is, like so many other made-up holidays, a capitalistic tool. Which makes us all a fool. I love people every day and prove it.

I may seem bitter, but it’s only cuz of the colonists’ cultural conditioning that we follow their calendar of merchandising. That’s why I used to get 50% off the next day so I could prove to myself I love myself. I like clearances.

Agh! I cannot have men friends, just friends whom I have no interest in other than being a friend. I have many beloved gay men who are special to me. In that I am blessed and grateful. See now, the thing is when I reach out to a hetero man they automatically think I’m hitting on them even when I specifically say “I am not hitting on you.” This has been the case my entire life, when in fact my heart belongs to my cousin. IKR?

Because I am a Singleton it has been speculated that I am a lez-be-friends. I am not but if I could snag Sade that would change. Any rate, I can’t smile or say Boozhoo to any dude without some clucking. Still, I am not responsible for men falling in lust or love with me. So there. I thought I was done with this malarkey years ago, but noo!!!

So I am resolving to stop being so delicious and am donning my Hag garments. Oh! And putting an “Out of Order” sign on it, too. I will still be kind and empathetic, that is my life’s purpose. I am un-snaggable and no, that is not a challenge. I love me for me all by myself.
Freedom.

Whatever gender you are, go with that and get you some 50% off candy for love of yourself.

In grade school we were forced to give all the other kids a valentine card whether we liked them or not. I remember blushing at the cards I gave my crushes (I’ve always been that way), gagging over the kids I despised, and crushed that certain ones did not give me a cheap card. Message received.

I was one of three Indian kids in my grade and I had plans for He Whose Name I Cannot Remember (James?) to be my husband. Then we moved to Minneapolis and so…Hai! Single again. LOL! Ya, I am a reader so imagine my astonishment when I found out there are at least two massacres with that name; First in France and then in 1929 Chicago.

Well, if a dude (no I’m not looking) came to me with a bouquet of sweetgrass, cedar and sage I would swoon and maybe let him hug me. Anywayz, I’m letting loose on squatters fake holidays so they can profit from them. I’m not immune to the pressure, no, I want to make people feel loved.

Ya see, love and kindness are expressed in everyday actions not just one day a year.
If I sound bitter it is not for the reason you may think. I have my own. If I want flowers, candy and a card? I got me.

Love to all Yooz!