By Ricey Wild
My crime spree continues unabated thus far. It was prid’ner the end of August when two of the Rezberry Riders showed up in my innocent driveway. My dear niece and I had been visiting and making plans for the field mice so they could have warm places to nest this upcoming winter. Upon seeing the officers intimidating presence the first thing I thought was, “What did I do now?”
Well…there was that time I tussled with a friend, took her down and hopped over my sofa only to be confronted with Los Copos who threatened me with a taser. I, in all my grape-flavored bravery, asked what would happen if they did tase me. One of them said I might soil my pants and since I liked those jeans, I allowed them to transport me to the local (ahem!) hospital. While there I had the nicest conversation with one of the officers and said I needed to use the facilities which he generously agreed to.
After my meeting in the Ladies Room I escaped out the door and made it about a block across the street before being apprehended. I still wonder what the oncoming driver thought when I tried to flag him down. After that I ended up in the psych ward in the nearest sort of big town on a 72 hour hold. While there I got a phone call from my son who said I had won a trip to Florida. I know, right?!
That’s when I knew I was in the rabbit hole. Who would mess with me that way? It turned out to be true and I had a fabulous vacation that I have written about at The Don Cesar on the Gulf Side representing Rezberry in a $500+plus hotel room and many other sweet benefits. Check out the March 2008 edition of my column if it’s still available.
Just now I woke myself up laughing about when I exposed my hind end to the neighbors across the road. Talk about sickening! The giant pink woman was not even married to the Rezberry Enrollee but she called The Fuzz anyway.
Sure enough The Riders showed up at my door and said I had made an ‘obscene’ gesture in their general direction. So I played stupid making symbols with both my hands that involved a significant finger at the PoPo.
Those were the same people who threatened to murder my dog. I remember it was Sunday, the Vikings were playing and the dog broke his tie-out. I sent my son and his girlfriend outside to corral him. They came back inside dogless so I did what I had to do, I put the dog’s favorite bone inside my hoodie and went to get him. I pounded on the enormous pink woman’s back door. She came out with a lit cigarette in her mouth and tried to burn me.We ended up in the driveway where I beat her down with the dog bone.
Next thing you know there are like, six cop cars squealing around to put an end to two middle-aged women involved in a scrap, all Rez and colonial style. Dangerous yanno? They need a raise.
Then I found out a few months later there was a warrant for my arrest. The same brave guy in a blue suit pressed charges on me for assault with a cow bone on a non-brown un-enrolled person. I was in the cop shop for a different reason and scoffed at them for trying to cuff me up.
I called my mother and told her I would be late because I was busy being arrested. She didn’t believe me and yelled that the coupons she had would expire at midnight. Fer real,yo!!!
When I did make it to court after bail the county prosecutor fined me part of the bail and then stood up and in thundering tones said, “Now go! And sin no more!” Do ya think I listened? Me not being a Christian, I did understand what he meant but decided to head to the local pub and ordered greezy food and beverages. Good times, good times.
I watched the highlights of the National Democratic Convention and teared up just a little when Lil’ John and Michelle Obama took the stage. Not at the same time of course but they both brought love and energy to a flaccid political party. For It did strike me that they, and the repubes, invoked being ‘American’ as a badge of honor. I could not but think, feel, “But at whose cost?”
This is Indigenous Land: don’t ever forget that. The rest of y’all are immigrants. We haven’t. Love to all and plz plz vote.
